Thank Jokes / Recent Jokes

Lost on a rainy night, a nun comes across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips she has ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. There, she's greeted by two of the Brothers. "Hello, Sister," the first one says. "I am Brother Andrew, and this is Brother Nicholas."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," the nun replies. "I would like to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I have ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
"Well, I am the fish friar," Brother Nicholas says.
She turns to the other Brother and says, "Then you must be... "
"Yes, I'm afraid so - I am the chip monk," he replies.

There once was a kind hearted barber in city in the US. He never charged anyone for his services. One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: `I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service. ’
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: `I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.` The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts. A Indian goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies: ` I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service. ’ The Indian also leaves very happy. The next morning when the Barber goes to more...

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing more...

An Amish boy was driving his horse-drawn buggy to town when he was stopped by a highway patrol officer.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," said the Amish boy, "I shall have my father repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse's testicles. Some might consider this to be 'cruelty to animals' so you'd best have your father check this, too."
"Again I thank thee," said the Amish boy, "I shall have my father check this also when I return home."
True to his word, when the Amish boy got home he told his father about the broken reflector and his father said that he would repair it immediately.
"Also," said the Amish boy, "the policeman said that more...

A man lost in the dessert for 2 weeks, finally spots a small oasis and is able to just crawl up to it
before collapsing. The resident missionary finds him just in time, and slowly nurses him back to
health.
Fully recovered the grateful guy wants to get back to civilization and asks his benefector, "Could I
borrow your horse, and give it back later, or possibly leave it for you in the next town?
The missionary says, "Surely, you may, but there's one special thing about my horse. Instead of
' giddiup' you have to say `Thank God' to make him go... and you have to say' Amen' to make him stop.
He won't respond to `whoa.'"
Not paying all that much attention, our hero says, "Sure, OK," and he mounts the horse and starts off
with an initial "Thank God." The horse starts walking slowly when our impatient hero repeats, "Thank
God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Encouraged by this, the guy more...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day, and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." The husband replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"