Take Jokes / Recent Jokes

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is
reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the
rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the
housekeeper was and he wondered...
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that
everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and
that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever
since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he wrote,
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not
saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact more...

One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She says, "Sure son, but don't look up and don't look down."
So they're taking a shower and the kid reaches up for the soap and he says, "Woo mama! What are those?"
She says, "Those are my headlights." The kid says "Ahh."
Then he drops the soap and bends down to get it and he says, "Woo mama! What is that?" and she replies back with, "That is my garage." The kid says "Ahh."
The next day he asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The kid does. As he's scrubbing himself with the soap, he drops it. When he picks it up he says, "Woo daddy! What is that?" The father replies back, "That's my limousine."
That night he asks his parents if he could sleep with them and they say, "Sure, just don't look under the covers."
Then in the middle of the night he decides to take a peek. And he says "Wooo mama! more...

It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Wyatt and said, "Mr. Earp, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."The boy stepped back and Mr. Earp said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol more...

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked: "How many boxes more...

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most-his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as more...

A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. He was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "Then where the hell were
you when I got married?"

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The more...