Swear Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

    "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"

    "I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your f*cking arse it won't be Coco Pops."

    Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"
    As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.
    The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.
    They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"
    The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"
    He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.
    Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"
    The 4-year-old replies, more...

    A man dies and due to his evil and sinful life, goes to hell. The devil himself meets him at the gates of hell and tells him, "I don't know what all you've heard up there, but hell isn't all that bad a place. Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?"
    The man answers, "Yes, I do"
    "Oh, good then," the devil says, "You'll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. Do you like to drink?"
    The man answers, "Yeah, sure, I like to drink."
    The devil says, "Good, you'll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks."
    "You'll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?"
    "Sure," says the man, "I swear a lot."
    "Great then. You'll love Wednesdays."
    The devil says, "On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, more...

    Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

    Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience. "Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You`re not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you`ll never so much as mention the British in public again." "But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered. "No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there`ll be trouble!" "Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it." The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon. He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me." The priest continues: "Saint Andrew more...

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