Suspect Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:
    Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
    A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
    A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
    The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
    A more...

    Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
    Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
    Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
    Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
    Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
    Farmer Bill Dies In House
    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
    Stud Tires Out
    Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
    Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
    Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
    British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
    Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
    Eye Drops Off Shelf
    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
    Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
    Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
    Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
    Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
    Miners Refuse to Work After Death
    Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
    Stolen Painting Found By Tree
    Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
    Two more...

    58 Actual Newspaper Headlines
    (collected by journalists)
    1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
    4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
    5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
    6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
    7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
    9. Stud Tires Out
    10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
    11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
    13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
    14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
    15. Eye Drops off Shelf
    16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
    18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
    19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
    20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
    21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
    22. Miners Refuse to more...

    Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."
    In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Junior" Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
    In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated,he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner decked him and called police.
    In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely more...

    A seargent is interviewing three cadets who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first cadet answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The seargent says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second cadet smiles, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!" Extremely frustrated at this point, he more...

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