Stock Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the more...

Today`s Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

1. Apple's stock only rose 25% last week.
2. Bill Gates's birthday now a paid holiday for Apple employees.
3. Default Mac startup sound changed to "Taps."
4. Wall Street brokers have stopped using Apple stock certificates as toilet paper.
5. Apple's new slogan: "Almost as good as Windows!"
6. Apple has been bent over with its pants dropped for so long now, even a geek like Bill Gates was bound to get lucky.
7. Cute rainbow-colored apple now inhabited by cute rainbow-colored worm.
8. Microsoft comes out with an operating system incorporating Mac technology... uh, wait a minute...
9. Phone and utilities mysteriously start working again at Apple's corporate HQ.
10. Steve Jobs seen tending bar at the Gates' private lawn party.
11. Diners in Microsoft's staff cafeteria can now enjoy their apple pie purely for its wholesome goodness and no longer as a symbolic act of global domination.
12. Unsold Newtons used as cobblestones in more...

by Dan Zevin
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.

Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell more...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5, 000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said:" I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40, 000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said: "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by cheque. "I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very peed-off jeweller more...

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares." said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client."
"Great!" said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."

A stockbroker, cold calling about a penny stock, found a taker. "This one is really going to move," the broker said. "It's only a $1 a share." "Buy me 1000 shares," said the client.
The following day, the stock was at $2. Seeing this, the client called the broker and told him to buy him 5000 more shares.
The next day the client checked in the newspaper and the stock was now at $4. Running to the phone, he called the broker and told him to get him 10,000 more shares.
Checking the paper the following day the client now saw that the stock was at $9. Thinking what a great profit he had made in just a few days, the client raced to the phone and called the broker. "Sell all my shares," he instructed.
"To whom?" the broker replied. "You were the only one buying that stock!"