States Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"The second guy grabs a street utility more...

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands. Dear China, We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000. We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan... since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's. We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.) In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to more...

Politics
Israel`s economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I`ve got it, I`ve got the solution to all our problems. We`ll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You`re nuts! That`s crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "that`s if we lose. But what if we win?"

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his Family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem
George's Mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5, 000. 00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150. 00.
George thinks for sometime and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul says "You must have loved your Mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years more...

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61. 2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89. 3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

The United States government had just completed an exhaustive study to
find out what purpose the head of a man's penis
served. After three years and almost 2 million dollars, they agreed that
it was to give the woman more pleasure.
Germany, finding out about the survey and not wishing to be left out,
spent 18 months and $450,000.00 and decided that the
head of a man's penis served to give the man more pleasure.
Poland, refusing to be outdone, conducted their own survey. After three
weeks and $29.50, they determined that it was to
keep Stash's hand from sliding off and hitting him in the forehead.

Douglas Adams:' There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.'

Albert Einstein:' Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.'

Unknown:' Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.'

Edward P. Tryon:' In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.'

Max Frisch:' Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.'

Kilgore Trout:' The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.'

Woody Allen:' I'm astounded by more...