Spend Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post? A: A goal post that can't march. Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost? A: A goalpost that can't march. Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes. Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other? A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? A: Have them miss every other note. Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a' 57 Chevy? A: You can tune a' 57 Chevy. Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other? A: more...

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then more...

Labor or Hard Labor.....you decide! In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8`x 10` cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6`x 8`cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside more...

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe
I don't live off yogurt, diet coke or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink, I don't end up in tears
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear
I spend 5 minutes max, fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why, get all bitter and surly
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you
I'm rational, reasonable and logical too
I know what the time more...

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK..........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK..........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK..........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid more...

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN. .

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you

You ski uphill

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

You speed walk in your sleep

You have a bumper sticker that says:' Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.' You answer the door before people knock

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

You sleep with your eyes open

You have to watch videos in fast-forward

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer

You lick your coffeepot clean

You spend every vacation visiting' Maxwell House.' You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work more...