Spend Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now more...
Hello.
Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We’re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured”, you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if more...
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5, 000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150. 00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5, 000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150. 00?" The man replied, "A man died here 2, 000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can`t march.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he`ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can`t march.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he`ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
Q: What is the difference between a French horn more...
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself."Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, weve never once had an accountant make it this far and were not really sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, Id like to, but I have higher orders. What were going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in. " "Actually, I think Ive made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..."And more...
"I'm going fishing." Really means"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "Let's take your car." Really means"Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas." "Woman driver." Really means"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me." "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." "It's a guy thing." Really means"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means"Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or more...
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we`ve never once had an executive make it this far and we`re not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I`d like to, but I have higher orders. What we`re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I`ve made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself more...