Sick Jokes / Recent Jokes

An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin). The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he spotted a squirrel's head sticking out from a hole. He remembered his Pa's admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains. r His sick Pa was upset, "I can't tan that skin without no brains!" he said, more...

dave looks at his buddy rick at work and sais....YA NEVER GUESS WHAT I JUST SIGNED UP FOR? rick sais....WHATS THAT? dave sais....PARACHUTE JUMPING.rick sais... YA FOOL...YUR ALMOST 65 YEARS OF AGE AND YA TELL ME YA SIGNED UP FOR THAT... WHY? dave sais....THE WIFE WANTS US TO TRAVEL WHEN WE RETIRE NEXT YEARrick shout out....BUT YUR SCARED OF HEIGHTS dave sais...I KNOW AND ILL BE BACK IN 3 WEEKS HAVING FINALLY CURED THIS PHOBIA SO WE CAN ENJOY RETIREMENT rick wishes him luck and the 2 workers partways 2 weeks pass and rick looks up and sees dave at work and says....HEY....THOUGHT YA SAID YOU WOULD BE GONE FOR 3 WEEKS? dave sais....WELL....IT DIDNT GO AS PLANNED rick sais..SO....WHAT HAPPENED? dave sais... WELL...AFTER THE 1ST WEEK OF INCLASS WORK...I THOUGHT I WAS READY BUT WHEN WE WENT UP IN THE PLANE....AND IT WAS MY TURN TO JUMP... I GOT TOO SICK TO MY STOMACH....I JUST COULDNT rick sais....SO WHAT THEN? dave adds...MORE CLASSWORK TIME... AND WHEN I WENT BACK UP TO JUMP AGAIN... I more...

Q. What does A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre- A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and more...

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc.
The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area.
One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out.
But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, more...

A man and his friend walk into a restaurant and order a hamburger. The chef takes some ground beef and smashed it under his arm pit.. That man in utter disgust, says "what the hell is wrong with him"?

His friend looks at him and says, "Wait till you see how he makes the doughnuts."

This company hires a new bloke and he's supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up he calls his boss and says, "I'm sick." His boss tells him not to worry and lets him have the day off. The bloke then shows up at work on Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday he once again calls his boss and says, "I'm sick." The boss reluctantly excuses him again, but takes note that this is the second Monday in a row that he hasn't been in. Once again the man shows up on Tuesday morning and works furiously throughout the week.
The following Monday he calls his boss again and says, "I'm sick." His boss excuses him, but decides to castigate the man on Tuesday. Tuesday comes and as soon as the bloke shows up, his boss calls him into his office. What's happening?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and more...

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually more...