Seasonal Jokes / Recent Jokes

This was told to me about three years ago by a friend who claims he works with
the father of the "hero" of the story:
During Christmas break from college, the kid wanted to borrow his father's car
to drive to a New Year's Eve party at his fraternity house. He lived in
Massachusetts and the fraternity house was in Vermont. The father needed the
car New Year's Day, and was concerned about the son hitting one of the
roadblocks that police set up all over the place on New Year's Eve. The
agreement that was reached was that the son would be allowed to use the car,
but he would not drink at all. That was, of course, a big mistake on the part
of the father, especially since the kid wasn't 21.
So he drove to Vermont, got completely trashed, and attempted to drive home.
Just before he reached Massachusetts he hit a roadblock. There were a few
other cars stopped already, so he was told to get out of the car and stand in
a line of more...

Season's Greetings,
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable more...

The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.
The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."
The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything... it's me!"

What the world is like in TV land:
1. If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immedaitely unless you are being chased
by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a suprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a 'dark' secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. more...

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no more...

MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL
To: All EMS Personnel
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots". Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal more...

'Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' 'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway...
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.
We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.
Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make more...