Seasonal Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:
The election is over, the results are known,
the will of the people has clearly been shown.
Let's forget the quarrels and show by our deeds,
we will give our leader all the help that he needs.
So let's all get together, and let bitterness pass,
I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top more...

Two rednecks are hiking through the woods when they spot a grizzly bear in the distance, charging towards them.
One of them stands rooted to the spot, while the other bends down, calmly takes off his boots, and starts to lace up his running shoes.
The first redneck looks over and says to his friend, "Why bother? No one can outrun a bear." His friend looks up and says, "I know that. But all I have to do is outrun you."

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
And the # ONE reason Christmas Trees are better than women
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!