Say Jokes / Recent Jokes

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack! Quack! Quack!"

Q: Did you hear about the new ice cream for monsters?
A: It's called "Cookies and Scream."
Q: What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas?
A: A ghoul Yule!
Q: Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation?
A: At the Howliday Inn!
Q: Where does the Wolfman live?
A: In a werehouse!
Q: How do zombies celebrate Halloween?
A: They paint the town dead!
Q: What oinks amd drinks blood?
A: A hampire!
Q: Why are haunted houses so noisy in April?
A: That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!
Q: What's orange on the inside and clear on the outside?
A: A pumpkin in a plastic bag!
Q: What does a vampire take for a cold?
A: Coffin syrup!
Q: Where do ghost ships like to cruise?
A: In the Scare-ibbean Sea!
Q: What European capital has the most ghosts?
A: Boodapest!
Q: What did the ghost serve at his Halloween party?
A: Hallowieners!
Q: What is a more...

Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A. "Rough rough".

The following are actual phone calls made to I. R. S. offices across the United States.

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we`re not counting on it.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I`ll open it.

Caller: I`m a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It`s the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It`s very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

Submitted by Peggie

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18, 000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1, 000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1. 5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with thebest people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." more...

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!"

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."