Say Jokes / Recent Jokes
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight hile saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Q: What goes "Oob, oob!"
A: A witch in reverse.
Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A: She flies off the handle.
Q: Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
Q: Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
A: It was his bat.
Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Put your boos and shocks on.
Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: See you next month!
Never thrust your sickle into another man’s corn.
Don’t spread your blanket where a cat’s been digging.
Don’t skinny-dip with snapping turtles.
Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100 mph with the local sheriff’s drunken 16-year old daughter on your lap.
Never use the words “large” or “size” with “rear end” when referring or speaking to a woman.
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
Never, I say NEVER, pee onto an electric fence.
Don’t wear polyester to a weenie roast.
Cow chips need to dry out for a spell before you toss them.
Don’t go hunting with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Never stand between the dog and the hydrant.
Don’t stand behind a coughing cow.
Never say anything on the telephone more...
Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MDFrom "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p. 15Scrotum Self-RepairOne morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the more...
REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICALLY INCLINED
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I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
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1st Person:' Do you know anything about this fax-machine?'
2nd Person:' A little. What's wrong?'
1st Person:' Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say
all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the
same thing happened.'
2nd Person:' How did you load the sheet?'
1st Person:' It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else
to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it
and read it.'
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.' Do you
need some help?' I more...
What did the dentist say to the golfer? "You have a hole in one. "
What did the great Ape say as he plummeted from the skyscraper? Listen baby, I think I'm falling for you!