Roof Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the more...

A blonde was spending almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
“Excuse me, miss, ” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we’d appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. ”
“What difference does it make, ” the blonde asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel. ”
“Not exactly, ” said the embarrassed gentleman. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight. ”

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.'' The brother thought about it and apologized. "So how's Mom?" asked the man."She's on the roof and won't come down."

A guy comes home from work and sees a gorilla on his roof. so he calls up animal control and says look im not crazy but i came home and theres a gorilla on my roof. the lady says ok thats the gorilla that escaped from the zoo this morning we will have a guy there in 5 minutes so 5 minutes later a guy pulls up in a huge flatbed truck with a cage a dog and a shotgun so the guy says i know its none of my buisness but how do you plan on getting that gorilla off my roof? and the animal control guy says i plan to climb up there and throw the gorilla off the roof and when i do this dog is trained to grab the object by the testicals to sudate him then i will stick him in the truck and go. the home owner says wow thats really smart but... whats the shotgun for? and he says now if by chance i go up there and the gorilla throws me off i want u to shoot the dog.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant."Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on.""Why? I'm not disturbing anybody.""Ma'am. You're on the skylight."

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing.Scully: Mulder, over here-it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.Scully: But that's legend, Mulder-a more...