Researcher Jokes / Recent Jokes
Overused plot lines:
Post-cataclysmic rag-tag armies struggle to kick the Rooskies out of the good ol' US of A.
Post-cataclysmic rag-tag armies struggle to survive against gangs of bandits, mutants, cyberpunks, bikers, etc.
The rag-tag rebel army/fleet struggles valiantly to overthrow the Evil Empire.
The Good Guys travel through time to stop a historical Bad Guy, usually Hitler.
The Bad Guy travels through time to kill the Hero in his childhood, or prevent him from ever being born.
The Chronocops travel in time to catch a Bad Guy who escaped into some other era.
Scientists work feverishly to develop a cure for the Supervirus or a weapon to stop the Invincible Bad Guys.
An alien:
Is stranded on earth;
Befriends a human child or falls in love with an earth gal;
Is pursued by shadowy malevolent Pentagon officials under the pretense of national more...
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company,Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer." So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer." So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny." So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of more...
A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "Its very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?" he asked. "Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe." Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out."
A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey
GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.
Reseacher: Political, sir?
GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?
Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --
GW Bush: What is this about?
Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.
GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?
A prominent biogeneticist is conducting advanced research on the similarities between primates and humans. After a decade of preparation, he is now ready for his most daring experiment to date: the mating of a human with a gorilla.
Having spent years searching for the proper gorilla, he finally selects a supple simian from the San Diego Zoo. Finding the human partner, however, will be more difficult. First, he designs an extensive and detailed forty-page questionnaire. Next, he places a classified ad in the New York Review of Books: "Wanted: Single White male, between 25 and 27 years of age, with a Master's degree, non-smoker, who loves Mozart, animals and long walks on the beach, to impregnate a female gorilla. Stipend: $300."
To his delight, the researcher receives over two hundred letters, and promptly sends a copy of the questionnaire to each of the respondents. Over 90 percent of the questionnaires are returned, but only one applicant fulfills all the more...