Replace Jokes / Recent Jokes

Computers will never replace the wastebasket when it comes to streamlining office work.

A truck driver was rolling through some small town in the middle of nowhere when he ran over a rooster. He appeared at the first farm he came to and knocked on the door. The farmers wife answered, "What do you want," she asked.
"Ma'am," he said, "I ran over your rooster. I'd like to replace it."
The farmer's wife looked him up and down and said, "Show me your manhood, mister."
The trucker was confused, but showed her his pecker.
"Fair enough," the farmers wife said, "The chickens are out back."

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?
The Answer is SEVEN:
(1) One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced,
(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb,
(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb,
(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs,
(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb,
(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,
(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After awhile, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result. Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey with a more...

Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can"t find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None: "We'll fix it in software."

Q: How long will it take?
A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.

Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.