Reilly Jokes

How to Change Your Oil
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is more...

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly has announced that he will debate 80s sitcom puppet, Alf, on his show tonight.

Sources say that immediately after the show was taped, O'Reilly had Alf deported: "Unfortunately, it seems that Alf was unable to document his status as a legal alien."

Farmer O'Reilly and Farmer Murphy met in the pub.
"What did you give your Bull when it was ill with the colic?" asked O'Reilly.
"A good dose of Phenyl" said Murphy
A week later they met in the pub again.
"What did you say you gave your Bull with the colic?" said O'Reilly
"Phenyl" said Murphy
"Well, I gave phenyl to my Bull and it died!" said O'Reilly.
"So did mine" said Murphy.

A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me loving wife!" That won him top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, he won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, and what was your toast?"
John replied, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife!"
Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Did you know that John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?"
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice! Once more...

Farmer O'Reilly and Farmer Murphy met in the pub.
"What did you give your Bull when it was ill with the colic?" asked O'Reilly.
"A good dose of Phenyl" said Murphy
A week later they met in the pub again.
"What did you say you gave your Bull with the colic?" said O'Reilly
"Phenyl" said Murphy
"Well, I gave phenyl to my Bull and it died!" said O'Reilly.
"So did mine" said Murphy.