Record Jokes / Recent Jokes
If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:
"You could do worse." "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there." "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start." "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason." "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last." "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault." "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't" "I can go all day without peeing once." "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me." "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath." "I won't sue you when you fire me." "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies." "Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job? "I was a sniper in the more...
A man enters a music store to purchase an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he realizes that he doesn't have his wallet. Instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.
The cashier spots him on the way out and shouts, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, I don't know if it's a record, but I sure haven't heard any complaints."
There were three midgets. Each one wanted to win a world record.
The first midget went in to the place for world records and said I want to see if I have the worlds smallest hands.
He came happy and said i got the record.
So the second one goes in and says I want to see if I can get the record for the worlds smallest feet.
He came out all happy and said i got the record.
Then the last one goes in and said I want to see if I have the worlds smallest penis. He came out all sad and said, "Who the in the hell Michael Jackson?!"
There is a American guy, a German guy, and Santa Claus. The american guy walks int he bar and says what is the bar drinkin record. The bartender says 0. The american guy says give me 50. He drinks them all and goes to the bathroom. A gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eats your balls eat your wennie.
The German guy walks in the bar and says whats the bar drinkin record. The bartender says 50. The German guy says give me 100. He drinks them all and goes to the bathroom. A gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eat your balls eat your wennie.
Then Santa Claus walks in and says whats the bar drinkin record. Thae bartender says 100. Santa says give me 200. He drinks the all and goes to the bathroom. Again the gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eat your balls eat your wennie. Santa says well im the gohst of Christmas past touch me balls i kick your ass!
Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
Michael McShane
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Sue Murphy
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
Fred Reiss
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Great song.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
Jake Johansen
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was more...
The FBI found a bottle of an antidepressant drug in the Unabomber suspect's cabin. It's a good thing he was taking that stuff... otherwise, he might have done something REALLY crazy...
Monday was tax day all across the USofA. Instead of trying to simplify those complicated forms, why doesn't the IRS just issue decoder rings? Those who lie and cheat the federal government usually know their fate - chances are good they'll end up reelected!
For killing their parents in their Beverly Hills, California mansion, Erik and Lyle Menendez were sentenced to life in prison without possibility of a book deal.
In Riverside, California, shouting broke out at a pro police rally. Whites told Latinos to go back to Mexico - Latinos told whites to go back to England. Well, Governor Pete Wilson PROMISED he'd get California moving again.
In his State of the City address, Mayor Richard Riorden portrayed Los Angeles as a city that has rounded the bend on the road to recovery. Now, is that more...