Rabbi Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her
will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she
met with her Rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted,
etc.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?" The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop." "Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi. "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously. "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal" "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi. Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could be elected Pope, but..." So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?" "What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!" The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of ou r boys made it."

On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.
The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out "A priest, a priest please".
The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabby comes up and say "Officer, I'm a old 70 years old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help."
So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:
"B1-I18-N44-G56-O75"

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
" Life begins," said the priest, " at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
" We believe," said the minister, " that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."
" You're both wrong," said the rabbi. " Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."

In a village a long time ago there lived a people called Nids, they were midgets. Every day the Nids went into the fields to farm. But every day a giant would wander though the fields kicking the Nids. So, one day the Nids finally got fed up and went to the town Rabbi for advice. The Rabbi said not to worry and that he'd handle it.

So, one day the Rabbi went into the fields dressed as a Nid. Eventually, the giant showed up for his usual routine of kicking the Nids. But when the giant reached the Rabbi he just stepped over him and continued along his way. The Rabbi wondered about this and chased after the giant and yelled, "Hey! I'm a Nid! Why didn't you kick me?" The giant simply replied, "Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Nids!"

On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out "A priest, a priest please".The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabby comes up and say "Officer, I'm a old 70 years old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help."So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:"B1-I18-N44-G56-O75"

Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent.""What was the sin?" the rabbi asked."It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread.""Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?""I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant."The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?""I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed.""And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked.Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."