Rabbi Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.The Rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall more...

A rabbi, burdened by the importance of his work, went into the synagogue to pray. Falling to his knees, he lamented, "O Lord, I am nothing! I am nothing!"
Just then a Jewish judge passed by and overhearing the prayer was moved to join the rabbi on his knees. Shortly, he too, was crying aloud, "O Lord, I too am nothing! I am nothing!"
The janitor of the temple, awed by the sight of the two men praying joined them, crying, "O Lord, I also am nothing! I am nothing!"
At this, the judge nudged the rabbi and said, "Now look who thinks he's nothing!"

The Rabbi rose with a red face..."Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K. K. K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community." No one moved. The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke." Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years,
were always arguing the finer points of their respective theologies,
trying to prove the other one was wrong.
One day they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver.
The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to
rest on it's roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and
were amazed they were alive.
As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.
The Priest shouts "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"
"What?" said the Rabbi.
"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way!
This is wonderful."
"Cross myself?!? No no no. I was just checking everything was OK.
' Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch.'"

Jewish TraditionsDuring a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, more...

It seems a man in Balham, South London decided to write a book about churches, mosques and synagogues around the country. He started by driving to Scotland and started working south from there.
He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign that reads;

A synagogue honors its Rabbi for a quarter-century of service by sending him to Hawaii on a well-deserved vacation, all expenses paid.

The President of the synagogue decides that in addition to the trip, the Rabbi should have fun and he makes arrangements to have a call-girl available for the Rabbi at all times.

When the Rabbi walks into his hotel room, there is this nude young girl lying on the bed and she informs the Rabbi that she is his at any time during his vacation.

The Rabbi, stunned and extremely embarrassed, demands to know who arranged this little situation, and of course, the girl is compelled to tell him.

The Rabbi immediately picks up the phone, calls the synagogue, and gets through to the President of the congregation.

' Where is your respect'? he growls.' How could you do something like this?'

' I must be held in high esteem by each and every member of this congregation. As your Rabbi, I am very, very more...