Queen Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time, a few years before all those nasty divorces, Her Royal Majesty, the Queen of England and Lady Di were out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leaped out of the bushes and stopped the car.

'Give us the money' they shouted at the Queen.

'But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money, thus I never carry any.'

'Oh, blimey', said the leader of the armed band, and turned to Lady Di.

'Give us yer jewels.'

'But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions.'

The armed robbers looked fed up when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching.' Quick, out of the car. We'll have the Range Rover at least', and with that the robbers drove off.

As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen, and asks:' So, what did you do to all the cash you had? You're always loaded.'

'Ah,' said the more...

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English more...

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can`t help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and more...

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating." Oh my God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill withsemen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex." Oh my God," said the Queen, "what's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.

Four and eight makes 12.

There are 12 inches in a ruler.

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.

The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.

Ships sail in the sea.

The sea has fish.

Fish have fins.

The Finns are always fighting the Russians.

Russians are known as "red".

Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman and they were very thirsty. They were walking down the road and came to a pub called The Queen's Head, but it didn't open for another 25 minutes. They thought that was too long to wait for a drink, so they continued on and came to another pub.
This pub was called The Queen's Arms, but it didn't open for another 20 minutes and they thought that was just as bad as the first pub, so they walked on. Eventually, they came to another pub.
This one was called The Queen's Legs and it was to open in 5 minutes, so they decided to wait. While they were waiting, an old man came along and asked what they were waiting for.
The Englishman replied, "We're waiting for The Queen's Legs to open so we can get a drink."
The old man turned around and said, "You disgust me!" and with that, he walked off.

Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees?
Because they kept droning on and on!