Progress Jokes / Recent Jokes

...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your office is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the more...

The Russian and the American presidents are walking along the beach. They start
discussing their submarines.
The Russian president says, "We recently have made much progress with our
submarines. They can now stay as long under water as yours, for one month."
The American president replies, "Do you not think that we also made progress?
Our submarines can now stay under water for two months."
Shortly after this discussion they hear some strange sound coming from the sea.
Suddenly a old fashioned looking submarine appears. A hatch opens and a
uniformed man appears, "Heil Hitler, meine Herren. Can you tell me whether the
war is already over?"

Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Cropp`s Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.

Bo Diddeley`s Observation On The Law: Always take a lawyer with you, and bring another lawyer to watch him.

Bolub`s Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Deadline-Dan`s Demo Demonstration: The higher the "higher-ups" are who`ve come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.

Demian`s Observation: There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read "Abandon hope all ye who enter here".

DeVries`s Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don`t want hits the paper.

Dr. Caligari`s Comeback: A bad sector disk error occurs only after you`ve done several hours of work without performing a backup.

To: Windows R & D
From: Bill Gates
Re: Lack of progress in extending Windows interface to noncomputer environments
I am quite concerned about your recent report detailing what you call problems in extending the Windows interface to products other than computers. The growth of Microsoft is dependent on our ability to extend Windows to every aspect of business, home, and society. After all, we all own MS stock, and if you want to become a billionaire, too, you will, I'm sure, learn to minimize the effects of what others call reality and laws of physics. Here's some feedback on the first wave of Windows-ready products.
WINDOWS TOASTER:
This is one of the few products on which we have any agreement. You agree that tapping on a minimize arrow will lower the bread into the toaster and that tapping a maximize arrow will make the slices pop out again. But you complain that you can't figure out any way that double-clicking on the box will reduce the size of the toaster more...

If progress is technology moving forward, then what is congress?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
What if C-A-T really spelled DOG?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"?

Seen in the latest copy of Windows Sources Magazine
Reprinted without their permission.
To: Windows R & D
From: Bill Gates
Re: Lack of progress in extending Windows interface to noncomputer environments
I am quite concerned about your recent report detailing what you call problems in extending the Windows interface to products other than computers. The growth of Microsoft is dependent on our ability to extend Windows to every aspect of business, home, and society. After all, we all own MS stock, and if you want to become a billionaire, too, you will, I'm sure, learn to minimize the effects of what others call reality and laws of physics. Here's some feedback on the first wave of Windows-ready products.
WINDOWS TOASTER:
This is one of the few products on which we have any agreement. You agree that tapping on a minimize arrow will lower the bread into the toaster and that tapping a maximize arrow will make the slices pop out again. But you complain that you more...