Program Jokes / Recent Jokes
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my more...
12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3) I will get dressed before noon.4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.12) Last, but more...
Billy's Letters
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column: Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire - you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!
We should have put our foot down right there, more...
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school.Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says," you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!""That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?""Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again."So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks."Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to more...
A fellow is ordered by his doctor to lose a minimum of 75 pounds because of the serious health risks involved with being so overweight. Baffled as to how on earth he was ever going to be able to accomplish this, he runs across an ad in the newspaper for a 'Guaranteed Weight Loss Program'.
Skeptical, but desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3 day/10 lb weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock on his door and when he answers it, standing before him is a a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 20 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes, and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign around her neck reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without giving it a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they finish, she leaves and he thinks to himself, "I really more...
Subject: Government Memo
TO: All Employees
FROM: The Premier
SUBJECT: Early Retirement
As a result of the SOCIAL CONTRACT implemented last year, immediate steps are being taken to reduce the number of people on our payroll - a step which we call "right-sizing". It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain younger, better educated, lower paid employees throughout the province.
The program to phase out the older personel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the province. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher more...