Product Jokes / Recent Jokes

Some actual product warning labels:
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)
On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)
In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )
On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops...Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's more...

Some actual product warning labels:On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops...Too late! You lose!)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING more...

TOBACCO SETTLEMENT MONEY TO HELP PROTECT KIDS FROM DANGERS OF SMOKING
North Carolina - In accordance with a multi-billion dollar class action settlement against the tobacco industry, The Big tobacco companies have pledged to devote millions to making sure children are not harmed by cigarettes.
While much of the money has been spent on television ads and tobacco education, one company, RJ Reynolds, the parent company for long time children's product staple, Nabisco, has chosen to interpret the terms of the settlement a little differently.
Taking their cue from the cellular phone industry's recent efforts to assure customers that their product can be used safely at all times, RJR has developed the "hands free" cigarette, a product which they envision marketing primarily to children.
"The problem with the youngsters is they are so active" said RJR spokesman Don Buttles. "They're always riding their bikes, or digging in the dirt, or playing catch. more...

Goebel’s Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn’t worth doing.
Goebel’s Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.
Goebel’s Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.
Goebel’s Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you’re going in a straight line but always end up going full circle.
Goebel’s Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don’t have a chance of seeing it before that time.
Goebel’s Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way more...

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."
Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label - he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more...

A market researcher was called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answered was "Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was a little surprised. He said, "Everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose; but I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me how you use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out!"