Problem Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the maintenance worker.
(Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)
From the "squawk sheets":
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #2: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW"
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit"
Problem: more...

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the senator."Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to more...

Gotta Take Care of It Now
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never
seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one
day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably,
he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some
minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one
evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a
baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees
what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you more...

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.
"What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor.
"Well," said the woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it."
"Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?"
So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.
"Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?"
The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it more...

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say,' Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have more...

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!"The doctor asks, "Whats your problem?"The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole... givethe wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpoolwith the next door neighbors wife who gives me a blow job during the rideto work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, Igo into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young officegirls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a goodboning. For afternoon tea, I give the bosss wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give thewife another screw.......""So...????" asked the doctor. "Whats your problem???"The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Ddddoc, I’ve bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III’m tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme??? ”
The doc says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you first before I can answer you. ”
The doc examines him and says, “Well, I’m pretty sure that I know what the problem is. ”
The guy asks, “wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc? ”
The doc says, ”It’s your penis. It’s about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords. ”
The guy asks, “Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it? ”
The doc replies, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering. ”
The guy says, “Dddo it! ”
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor’s office and says, “Thanks Doc. You’ve solved my problem and I don’t stutter any more but I’ve only had sex once more...