Priest Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis? ”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man. ”
“Well I’ll be. ” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis? ”
“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does. ”

one day a priest and a nun were on a camel through a desert, when all of a sudden the camel falls over and dies. so they decide to set up camp under a nearby tree. a couple of days later the priest was moaning and groaning saying that he was going to die. the nun then tried to tell him that he was speaking rubbish. so to cheer him up she asked him if there was anything he would like her to do. so after a minute of thinking the priest said, " well ive never seen a female in the nude. could you take off your clothes?" so the nun did as the priest asked. then she tells the priest that she had never seen a male in the nude either, so she asked him to take off his clothes. so the priest did and as he was standing beside the tree the nun asked the priest what was hanging between his legs. he said, " if i stick this in a female it will create new life". so the nun said, "well, dont worry about sticking it in me, stick it in the camel!

One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating. The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage. Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem. Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has does."

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed. Sister: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right... more...

One day a priest decided to go down to the dock near his church. He saw a fisherman loading up his boat there. So the priest watched him for awhile. The fiisherman saw the priest and asked him if he wanted to go fishing with him. The priest had nothing to do so he said ok. They went out all day. They only caught one fish all day and it was the priest who caught it. The fisherman said,"That's a big sonofabitch!" The priest was like what did you say. Quickly thinking the fisherman said that is the name of the fish. Later when the priest went back to the church he showed it to the bishop and said look at this sonofabitch I caught. The bishop was like watch you mounth. The priest said no that is the name of the fish. The bishop said ok lets go clean it. They cleaned it and took it to the sister to cook it. She said where did you get the fish from. The priest said I caught the sonofabitch and the bishop cleaned the sonofabitch. The nun was stuned but she cooked it. Later that more...