Pregnant Jokes / Recent Jokes

A pregnant woman from Washinton D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on thedelivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the topof a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and saysto the doctor, "Are you my dad?". The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!". With that, the baby popsright back inside. "Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head pushthrough again. "Are you my dad?", asks the baby. "No, I am your doctor.", he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's fatherin here right away-we may have a situation on our hands!". Momentslater the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's headonce again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father. The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!" The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the more...

Additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records:
1. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
3. The patient refused an autopsy.
4. The patient has no past history of suicides.
5. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
6. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
7. Since she can not get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
8. She is numb from her toes down.
9. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
10. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
12. The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
13. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan."Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" asked the instructor."Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

How to Answer

It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says,

'DO I LOOK FAT?'

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted' yes'.

'No' means yes.' Yes' means yes.' I don't know' means yes.' It doesn't matter' means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes.

Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but more...

The brunette had been married about a year. One day the she came running up to her husband, jumping for joy. He didn`t know how to react, so he started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" "Great" he said, "tell me what you`re so happy about." She stopped, breathless from all the jumping up and down "I`m pregnant!" she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for quite a while. He grabbed her, and kissed her "Wow, that is wonderful," "I couldn`t be happier!" Then she said, "Oh, honey there`s more." "What do you mean more?", he asked. "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" He was amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant "How do you that," he asked. "It was easy," she said."I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 more...

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to herobstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "Myhusband wants me to ask you...""I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on hershoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late Inthe pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know ifI can still mow the lawn."