Plans Jokes / Recent Jokes

Wal-Mart has announced plans to build a Super Center in Locust Grave, VA near a 145 year old Civil War battle field. The company also announced plans to hire that wars veterans as door greeters.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction more...

The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate`s premonitions only during the postmortems.

The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject`s true value.

The average man`s judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.

The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.

The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.

The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. more...

PRESS RELEASE
Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.
Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply more...

YESTERDAY
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
============================================
Songs to program by...
Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines more...

George W Bush and Tony Blair are in a meeting at the white house, Georges wife walks in and asks what are they doing, they tell her they are making plans for world war 3, so she asks what are the plans, to which Bush says "were going to kill 14 million muslims and 1 dentist."
"Why the 1 dentist?" she asks. Bush pats Blair on the back and says "Told you no one would ask about the muslims"