Plans Jokes / Recent Jokes

Noah's Ark...If it happened in 2000And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints."Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?""Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for more...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark more...

A couple making plans for their vacation.
Wife: I am afraid the mountain air would disagree with me.
Husband: My Love, it wouldn`t dare!

If God wanted Noah to build an ark in America today, it might go something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to more...

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the more...

Bidding - Additional Requirements
Section 1A - The Truth
The requirements of Division 01 and of those documents under bidding
requirements and conditions of the contract and anything else we don't
think looks good here is null and void. If you know what's good for
you, you'd read this real close (meaning the contractor).
1.1 The work we did is clearly showed in the attached plans and
specifications. Our engineer, whose had plenty of college, spent one
hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and
specifications, but nobody can think of everything.
Once your bid is in - that's it, brother. From then on, anything
wanted by our engineer, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except
the contractor) shall be considered as showed, specified or implied
and shall be provided by the contractor without no expense to nobody,
but himself (meaning the contractor).
1.2 If the work is did without no expense to the more...

Mr. Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home. He said them to his wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please."

The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check."

By the third night, Jones was rather impatient. "How about it?" he said urgently. Mrs. Jones snapped back, "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?"