Pause Jokes / Recent Jokes

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,
"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe more...

Mr.Watt rang the phone at the residence of Mr.Knott.
"Who's calling?" asked Knott.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED.
READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...
"Why not?"
"Huh? What do you mean why not?"
"Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"
"But I told you my name!"
"Didn't you say you will not?"
"Not not, knott, Will Knott!"
"That's what I mean."
"So you know my name."
"Of course not!"
"Good. So now, what is more...

Saturday morning... and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf
when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes
the washing machine is coming around at noon.
Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little
girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mammy near the
phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!"
"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mammy!" she replies.
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do?? Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mammy and Uncle
Frank that my car's
just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" she says.
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I more...

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.
''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob.' 'Is Mommy near the phone?''
''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says,' 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''
''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''
''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''
''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.' 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''
''And what happened?''
''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, more...

This is a fun way to irritate your friends and family on your answering machine!
On your answering machine -
"Hello?" pause, "What's up?" pause again, "Oh, well you must feel pretty stupid right now because you're talking to my answering machine! So leave a message!" Beep.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET more...

Dave called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Dave. "Is mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Kevin."

After a brief pause, Dave said, "But you don't have an Uncle Kevin, honey!"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Kevin that my car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out more...