Patient Jokes / Recent Jokes

A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records:

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who more...

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

The patient asks for the good news first and then the bad news.
So the doctor starts off and says, "It is mostly certain that you are going to die in about 7 or 8 days."
After hearing this the patient couldn't imagine what the bad news would be.
The doctor continued: "... and I have been trying to reach you on the phone to tell you, for a week now."

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

A doctor came out of a patient's room. So the nurse went in to check on her patient. There she found the husband scratching his head and frowning.

"What's wrong?" asked the nurse.

"Well, I don't think that doctor knows what he's talking about." The husband said.

"Oh, Really?" Replied the nurse.

"Yeah, He said my wife has acute angina. And I've seen it!"

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your shoes.