Paid Jokes / Recent Jokes

Arriving home a day early from a business trip, a man got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. While enroute he asked the driver if he would be a witness, since he suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed. When they arrived at the man's house, they both tiptoed into the bedroom and turned on the lights. The husband rushed over to the bed, threw back the covers and found his wife in bed with another man.
As the husband held a gun to the man's head, his wife screamed, "Don't hurt him. This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for that Porche I bought you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new yacht? He did!"
The husband looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do in a case like this?"
"I'd cover him up fast before he catches cold!" replied the grinning driver.

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.Sincerely, I. Getscrewed Everyear

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "And then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "And then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,' then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.' So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,' so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger." Blonde
Blonde Suicide "A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, "I just paid more...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today. ”
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night? ”
“No, ” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole. ”
Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was more...

A farmer had three sons. One day, his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn, pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him, wanting a motorcycle. "Well," the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter." Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing its "rooster duty" with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself. more...

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.

Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand.

Bentley`s second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!

Berta`s Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist."

Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist.

Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn`t fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"

Q: How more...