Octopus Jokes / Recent Jokes

Where are most fish found? Between the head and the tail! What kind of fish will help you hear better? A herring aid! What do fish sing to each other? Salmon-chanted evening! How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed! Where do you find a down-and-out octopus? On squid row! What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout? Monkfish! What bit of fish doesn't make sense? The piece of cod that passeth all understanding! What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings? A fish tank! What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish? Tsardines! What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

You Might be a Michigander...
If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake...
If your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any
sport!)...
If snow tires come standard on all your cars...
If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry...
If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...
If you can identify an Ohio accent...
If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town...
If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your
bike...
If you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder...
If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you
grew up...
If you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is...
If someone aks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No, but I've
been to Ann Arbor"...
If more...

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, takeout 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell thepharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up thepaper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve theirchild's sleeping more...

When an octopus puts on deodorant, how does he remember where he started?

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him."
Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't play their instruments.
The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it.
The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play it.
The bartender then walks into the back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits.
After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the owner of the octopus says, "Come on now! Play it!"
The octopus replies, "What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas off of it, I'm gonna screw it!"

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its more...

How did the octopus lovers walk down the road? Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.