Noise Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottlenipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubberbeing injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound isthe needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms aremanufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Waita minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the' hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that' pop' every so often?""Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says theguide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.""Well, that can't be good for the condoms!""Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score" from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero:
Simple Duties
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You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners But retur You check out a suspicious n You check out a suspicious noise and You check out a suspicious noise and it You pummel it with It's her father: -10
So -- You stay by her side the You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college dri Na Tiffany Tiffany has implants: -8
Sat --- You visit You visit her parents and actually make You visit her parents and stare vacantly at th And the televi You spend the afternoon watching college football in yo And you didn't even go And it's not really your underwear: -15
Her Birthday
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You take her You take her out more...
Sir is comfortably seated in an armchair in the library, reading a newspaper. John has just brought in coffee, when a loud screech echoes through the room, followed shortly by a terrific thud.
Sir looks up. "What was that dreadful noise?"
John steps over to the window and carefully looks from behind the curtains.
"Sir, a car just took a right turn".
"John, no car in the world would make such noise just for taking a right turn!"
"Sir, indeed, but you see, there was no street to the right".
1) SIMPLE DUTIES-
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5 You pummel it with a six iron: +10 It's her cat: -10
2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8
3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS-
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3 And the television is off: -6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear:-6 And you didn't even go to college: -10 And it's not really your underwear: -15
4) HER BIRTHDAY-
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her more...
The following is from an actual 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of more...
An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."
The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"
The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"