Noise Jokes / Recent Jokes
40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN.....
1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel
like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to
extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which your rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, more...
Edwin Land is famous for inventing the Land Camera, also known as the Polaroid - the first instant camera. But he could invent just about anything he turned his mind to. Once his wife, in desperation, asked him to invent something to shut the dogs up! Seems they had two bull misstifs that could raise a terrible racket when they got excited.
So Edwin set his mind to it and invented a speaker that would shout at the dogs when their noise got to an intollerable decibel level. Since his was the only voice they would obey, the recorded message was in his own voice. And it worked; when the voice boomed out, it quieted them instantly.
But, one evening the Lands were having a party and the house was full of guests, really making merry and whooping it up. The noise kept getting louder and louder, until finally a slamming door did it: it reached the decibel level to activate the speaker.
"BE QUIET! SIT!" And of course all the guests, recognizing the master's voice did, more...
This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut more...
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer...-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10
It's her father...-10
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when more...
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer...-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night...0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the
toilet-paper roll more...
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEMFor all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis:In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the womanhappy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something shedislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doingsomething she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.Here is a guide to the point system:SIMPLE DUTIESYou make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add thedecorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpledsheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5 But return with beer...-5 You check out asuspicious noise at night...0 You check out a suspicious noise andit's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it'ssomething....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's herfather...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace thetoilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll isbarren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 more...