Never Jokes / Recent Jokes

This nun was going to Chicago.
She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.
So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.
She went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said: "Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois".
So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago, and your going to play a fiddle.
She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful more...

A guy's butt is never a factor in a job interview.

A guy's orgasms are real. Always.

He doesn't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

Foreplay is optional.

He never feels compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

He doesn't give a rat's ass if someone notices his new haircut.

The world is his urinal

He never has to drive to another gas station because "this one's just too icky."

Same work......more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never glance at his chest when he is talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Porn movies are designed with him in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.
There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop more...

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize - don't ask me why - the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were more...

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed."
The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out.
The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in.
He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.
The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"
The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To
celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
"But, madam!", replied the bellman.
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"

1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense