Nearly Jokes / Recent Jokes

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict.When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're more...

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p. m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? more...

Case Report:
Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome
Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no. 1, December 1997
Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M. D.
On January 2, 1997, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO! HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and more...

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. more...

The attorney strode confidently over to the witness. "Come now, Mr. Pendergast. It was nearly midnight, yet you say you saw my client strangle Mr. Pedigrew from nearly seven blocks away! Just how far can you see at night?"
Mr. Pedigrew shrugged. "I dunno. How far away is the moon?"

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4: 30 p. m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have the y got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? more...

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.
Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, "in a pickle." Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.
Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:
99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.
Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% more...