Murphy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Young lady: "My husband is always telling me to go to hell. I would like to know if I could legally take my children with me."
Equally qualified "Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't more...

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem." "What's the matter?" replies Paddy"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" asks Paddy"It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies. Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look." He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy." He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, more...

A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers.
The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God's doorstep."
The gang leader defiantly said, "F**k God."
Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy laws and taking his name."
The gang leader said, "F**k God's laws. You name one, I break it. I swear, I f**k, I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break every single f**king law the church has ever make."
The priest said, "Do you really mean that?"
The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break more...

Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.

He calls,' 'O'Brian, come' ere O'Brian. I' ave a request for ye.'' O'Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down.

''O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying' ere. I' ave one last request fir ye to do.''

O'Brian bursts into tears,' 'Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done.''

''Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.''

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his more...

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tThe Donkey "A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager on the side of the bar he notices a large jar filled with one pound coins the asks the bartender
"what do i have to do to win the money in that jar"
The bartender replies
"I have got my pet donkey out the back all you have to do is make him laugh and the money is yours"
So the man goes out the back and sure enough he makes the donkey wet with laughter.
the man emerges back into the bar
the bartender amazed asks
"how in gods name did you make the donkey laugh"
"now that would be telling" the man replied" and with more...