Monkey Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree? 'cause he was dead...Why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree? 'cause he was dead too...Why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree? peer pressure...

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom.

"Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender.

"Sure.", says the bartender.

As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the cue-ball.

"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.

"Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball."

"Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?"

The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few more...

The Geography Teacher Was Telling The Children About Monkeys That Live In India. Suddenly He Notices That Susan Isn't Listening. He Said" Susan Stop Whatever It Is You Are Doing And Look At Me. Otherwise You Will Never Know What A Monkey Looks Like!

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant - "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

(Sent by an Italian-American friend.) A man is walking down the street saying the most terrible things about Italians to his friend. He blames the Italians for everything, the dark ages, the black death, WW1, WW2, problems in the Catholic Church, poverty, the Vietnam war, famine in Africa and so on. He is cursing the Italians in the most vile language.
Upon turning the corner they spot an Italian organ grinder with a small monkey. The Italian hating man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a few coins and places them in the cup the monkey is holding.
"You hate Italians so much. How come you did that?", his friend asks.
The Italian hater replies, "Oh, I do hate Italians, that's for sure, but the kids are so cute when they're young."

There were 4 monkeys in a tree.
Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
- It died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
- It was tied on to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
- It got hit by the first two.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
- Peer pressure.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down." Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey." What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth." They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth." They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, more...