Midnight Jokes / Recent Jokes

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because he'd "be home by midnight... promise!"

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a. m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one! "Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her morning coffee. "Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, more...

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard more...

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along... no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter....."

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight... I promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.
Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight.
Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said,
'Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.'
'I think it's stuffed, don't more...

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
to
do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and
good-bye grandma."
Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up
at
the more...

A drunken fellow was in a pumpkin field having sex with a pumpkin that he had just drilled a fresh hole into.
Apparently, he was having a very good time until one of the local police cars drove up. It was an awkward situation for the female officer, but she felt compelled to ask the man, "Excuse me sir, but why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
Somewhat shocked and confused, the man looked at the pumpkin and asked, "Damn,.... is it midnight already???"

When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,

You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, more...