Mall Jokes

by Peter Leppik

The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "Is that it?"

Me: "Yep."

Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...

This Story is true! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had written the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk more...

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Dashing through the mall...
On a late December day,
Through the $tores we go
Charging all the way...
Ching. .. Ching. .. Ching. ..
Bell$ on register$ ring
Making checkbook$ light,
Oh, what fun it is to buy up
Everything in $ight!
Ching. .. Ching. .. Ching. ..
Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The kids all yell and scream
To us it sounds like anarchy
But to them it's harmony-HEY!
Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The children tipped the tree
Antique ornaments smashed to bits
The kids each say "not me"
Dad goes to work each day
Engineering things for flight
But his real job is at home
Refereeing little fights
Mom drives the kids around
In an ancient Caravan
Karate, swimming, children's choir
Espresso in her hand-HEY!
Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Our wish to you is that you have
A... Happy... Holi-dayyyyyyyyy.

15. Virgin or not, time to move little Miss Britney to the
"Naughty" list.

14. Have the elves increase production on those cheesy Xbox
knock-offs.

13. Cancel wrapping paper order -- use those Enron stock
certificates instead.

12. Decide how to respond to Ashcroft's subpoena demanding
information on what foreigners are naughty or nice.

11. Administer nine little Breathalyzer tests.

10. File a flight plan with the FAA -- wouldn't want an F-16
wasting the sleigh.

9. Irradiate all those letters from children -- you can't be too
careful!

8. Remove candy canes from pants pockets during mall photo
sessions -- getting tired of explaining things to the D. A.'s
office.

7. Write letter to self asking for threesome with Mrs. Claus and
Heidi Klum.

6. Finally shave the beard now that the Taliban has fallen.

5. Attend weekly meeting at more...