Light Jokes / Recent Jokes
Go Git Yo Mamma
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to more...
Q: How many Contract Bridge players does it take to change a Light Bulb?
A: Five. One to change it; their partner to stare at them in complete confusion; one opposing player to ask the partner what they think the changer means by this; the other opponent to complain to the tournament director that there was a deliberate hesitation before the light bulb was changed; and the tournament director to agree and have the old bulb put back in.
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!!
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY more...
what is the difference in a light bulb and a pregnant lady? you can unscrew the light bulb
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q.) How many cochroaches does it take to turn on a light?
A.) No one knows…when the light comes on they all scatter!
Because her student's were getting bored with show and tell, the teacher decided to have the children come to the front of the class to tell of any unusual hobbies their parents had.
First was a girl, who said, "My mother has a collection of antique dolls."
"Very good," said the teacher. "And you, Harold?"
Harold said, "My father is the champion golfer at his country club."
"Very good, Freddy?"
Freddy announced that his mother's roses won a prize at the Garden Club.
Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. He stood, but didn't say a word until the teacher asked, "Don't your parents do anything you can tell us about?"
Little Johnny thought, and then said, "About all I know is that my father eats light bulbs."
"My word!" said the teacher, "Are you sure?"
Little Johnny nodded. "I was passing their bedroom the other night when I heard my father say,' more...