Late Jokes / Recent Jokes

Teacher: Why are you late to school?
Kevin: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Kevin: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

"Least Popular Christmas Carols" (as sung by the Late Show Carolers)
As presented on the 12/03/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
"I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King"
"Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose"
"Im Searching For the Real Killers With Every Round of Golf I Play"
"Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going to Jail for One-to-Three"
"Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza"
"O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie"
"Frosty the Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full of Crack"
"I Have an Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum"
"O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty"
"Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants in a Cheap Hotel Room"

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus more...

Jews are saying Mel Gibson's apology for his anti-Semitic slurs came too late.
They then charged him a $30 late fee.

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.George said, "Sure if I'm ten minutes late?"Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute? You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."George said, "Well, that's true - I'm superstitious. If I wake up more...

The class has started and almost all the students were
in-class, prepared to expand their knowledge.
The teacher walked in and said, " Good morning class!"
and the students replied....
The teacher called out each student.
The replies were, "yes Ms. B" or "here" or "present" or
"taking a dump" or "absent"...... but for some reason, when the
teacher called out Jonny, there was no reply....
...... and there appeared our little Jonny at the door.... he
gave an innocent look.
Teacher: Jonny, why are you late?
Jonny: Ms. B, I was on top of Cherry Hill...
Teacher: Have a seat Jonny.
The teacher continued with the attendance..... and when she
called out Mark...... once again there was no reply.....
...... and there was Mark, right at the door with torn clothes....
Teacher: Mark! Are you OK?
Mark: Yes Ms. B....
Teacher: Now, what is your reason more...

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, more...