Know Jokes / Recent Jokes

It was a busy morning, approximately 8: 30 a. m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9: 00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him look at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer' s Disease.
As we more...

A Sardarji joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone,"Abey saale Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension!
Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The Sardarji shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, youfool?"
"No.", replied the Managing Director. "Good!", replied the Sardarji and put down the phone!

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were' protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is late and sends some of his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs drag the guy to an interpreter. The right-hand man says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf collector signs, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the main man, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking abo ut." The main man pulls out a. 38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. more...

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to
which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry, Father, but that's
what the fish is called: - a sonofabitch."
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and
stops the Bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this more...

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. more...

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad."
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know that you're loyal?"
"Well I saved my platoon from the Viet Cong in Vietnam. That's how I lost my arms and legs."
"Well, how do I know that you're rich?" she inquires.
He replies,"I make over three million dollars a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement".
Looking at him in his wheelchair, she demands "How do I know you're a good lover?"
He shrugs "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Radical Solution
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down more...