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100 Ways to annoy the pizza guy
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of more...

Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn't perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don't worry about it. You can have that motorbike over more...

Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
by George Carlin
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am George Carlin, a BAD American.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican.
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John more...

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the thestranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heardthat flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with yourfellow passenger."Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and saidto the stranger "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?""OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But letme ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eatgrass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cowturns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Whydo you suppose that is?""Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.""Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified todiscuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only more...

On Christmas Eve, a young boy with light in his eyes
Looked deep into Santa's, to Santa's surprise
And said as he sat on Santa's broad knee,
"I want your secret. Tell it to me."
He leaned up and whispered in Santa's good ear
"How do you do it, year after year?"
"I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here and there, you never run out.
How is it, Dear Santa, that in your pack of toys
You have plenty for all of the world's girls and boys?
Stays so full, never empties, as you make your way
around the whole world, The reindeer pulling your sleigh
From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large and small,
From nation to nation, reaching them all?"
And Santa smiled kindly and said to the boy,
"Don't ask me hard questions. Don't you want a toy?"
But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. "Now listen to me,"
He told that small boy more...