Kid Jokes / Recent Jokes

A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him into a private school. All the sudden in the private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,"Why were you doing so bad in a public school, and when we switched you to a private school you did so well?" The kid responds,"because I knew they were serious about school. The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed to a plus sign."

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

In the Philippines, most kids in private schools are forced to speak English at all times. A kid who just came from the province and who barely speaks the language tried his best to do so. One day, the kid needed to go to the bathroom so bad but he didn't know what to tell his teacher. He raised his hand and said, "guro, pwede po bang pumunta nang banyo?" (meaning, teacher may I go to the bathroom?') Since the boy didn't speak English, the teacher pretended that she didn't hear him. The boy said to himself, "what should I say (in Filipino, of course)". Then suddenly, the boy raised his hand and said, "FATHER, MOTHER, I", and quickly rushed out the door and to the bathroom. The teacher wondered what the boy meant. 15 minutes later, the boy came back. The teacher asked him where he went. He said that he went to the bathroom and he needed to go really bad. Then she asked what he meant when he said' FATHER, MOTHER, I'. The boy then explained, "FATHER in more...

These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?" "Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and
he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the
hay crop to fertilize it. The kid says, "Hey, Pop - I
learned in college that there is an easier way to do
everything."
They go into town and get some dynamite. They're gonna rig
it up under the outhouse and blow the manure into the hay
field. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see
Grandma coming to use the outhouse. Ba-Booom!
The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She
lands in the hay field. They go running up to her.
"Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you alright? Are you
alright?"
She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Phew! I'm certainly glad I
didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"

One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk. He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walkingthrough the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-oldboy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, "Youngman, you're much too young to smoke!"The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!"The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You saythat to *me*, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head ofthe Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader formillions of people, young man, the representative of God, and you dare to say that to *me*? No, no, no, kid, fuck *YOU*!"

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10, 000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground.
Signed,
A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10, 000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"