Kick Jokes / Recent Jokes
There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg.
The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a more...
Differences Between Men & Women
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till more...
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, more...
Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees? Because they kept droning on and on!
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...
A red-head, a brunette and a blonde perform a Post Office robbery. They are on the run from the police and they have to ditch their car and go cross country.
They are all getting tired and happen across an old farm with a huge barn. Sneaking inside the barn, they see three old flour sacks. They all hide in separate sacks.
The police enter the barn and upon seeing the sacks, kick the first one containing the redhead. The redhead says "Woof!".
"Nothing in here but a dog sarge" says the constable. "We'd better move on".
They kick the sack containing the brunette. "Miaow!" she says.
"Nothing in here but a cat sarge. Better move on".
They kick the sack containing the blonde and the blonde says "Potatoes!"
ACCOUNTANTS - Lose their balance.
ACTORS - Drop a part.
ACTUARIES - Get broken down by age and sex.
ARCHERS - Bow and quiver.
BANKERS - Lose interest.
BASEBALL PLAYERS - Get pitched.
BASKETBALL players - Go on dribbling.
BEEKEEPERS - Buzz off.
BLONDES - Dye away.
BOOKKEEPERS - Lose their figures.
BOTANISTS - Wither away.
BOWLERS - End up in the gutter.
CARDIAC SURGEONS - Get bypassed.
CHAUFFEURS - Lose their drive.
CHICKENS - Get fried.
CLEANING PEOPLE - Kick the bucket.
CLOTHIERS - Lose their shirts.
COMPUTER USERS - Lose their memory.
COOKS - Get deranged.
COWS - Kick the bucket.
DAIRYMEN - Get butter and butter.
DAREDEVILS - Get discouraged.
DEANS - Lose their faculties.
DOCTORS - Lose their patients.
EGYPTIAN TOURISTS - Go senile.
ELECTRICIANS - Lose contact.
ENGINEERS - Lose their bearings.
EXTERMINATORS - Bug out.
FARMERS - Go to seed.