Keys Jokes / Recent Jokes

Before a friend`s wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It`s probably not original, but it worked pretty well.

A blonde woman was at work when she received a phone call
that her daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to
get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had
locked her keys in the car
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and
told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting
worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and
use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat
hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by
someone else who at some time had locked
their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger
and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled
up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was
wearing an old biker skull rag on his more...

You know you have been on the computer too long when...When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, A, B, C, D...".When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're more...

There was a gay man who had recently died and was going to heaven. He climbs up the stairs to heaven and meets a man who happens to be the keeper of heaven and hell. They begin walking to the gates so the gay man can be let in, all of a sudden the keeper drops his keys, and being gay the man jumps on top of him and begins to hump the keeper.
The keeper says, " what in the world are you doing, get off of me! I should send you to hell right now, but seeing as we are in heaven I should give you another chance". The gay man agrees.
Once again the keeper drops his keys and being gay the man jumps on him again the keeper says, " Oh my word get off of me right no I would be inclined to send you to hell but we are so close to the gates that I'ill give you one more chance, but that is it"! Once again the man agrees.
Sadly the keeper drops his keys one last time, the gay man jumps on top of him and is sent to hell. Well, being the keeper he is obligated to check more...

(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016Dear Sir: This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the more...

You've been programming too long when:
When you are counting objects, you count in hexidecimal.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

Yo ma boyz, KrishnaBob 1 & 2, EBTEK and EB_Khakis. Come on chat during
D-Period cuz i got computers too. If ya boyz don't know me, i got a little rhyme for ya boyz.
Sim Sima, who got the keys to my bimmer
Who am I, the girls dem sugar
How can I, make love to a fellow
In a rush, pass mi di keys to my truck
Who am I, di girls dem luck
And I and I will make love to Precious
Yeah man, itz me the one and only original SimSima1.
Check ya boyz online, Latez