John Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she says to Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What was his name?"
The woman replies, "John Smith."
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean *Whirling* John Smith!"

This exchange took place many years ago between the then Finance Minister of India John Mathai, and Acharya Kriplani.
The Acharya was renowned for his acid tongue. He was going for the civil service and injected a particularly waspish anecdote about a young man who having knocked at many doors to find a job, returned crestfallen to his father. The father reassured him:' I know you are a no-good son of a gun. No one in his senses will employ you. But don't lose hope, you can always get a government job; they are meant for worthless people like you.'
John Mathai was quick to reply:' Having heard the Acharya's observation with great respect, I am coming to the conclusion that Acharyaji is fast becoming ripe for a, wernment job.'

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Oh, did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened, Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By more...

Two guys, John and Jake, are training the art of parachutism.
At 12 000 feet, they jump out of the plane. By pulling the yellow cord, the parachute should unfold.
This does happen to John. Gently he floats in the air. Unfortunately this doesn't happen to Jake, no matter how hard he pulls the yellow string, nothing happens. He's fallen straight down to earth.
John shouts to him: "Don't make a fuss of it, it's just a practice jump!"

John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."

In a push to diversify characters, DC Comics has announced that the newest incarnation of Batwoman will be a lesbian.

In related news, Elton John is in talks to purchase the rights to play her in the big-screen adaptation.

Of this, John says, “I am THE BatBitch, bitch!”

John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house. Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the box."