Ivan Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ivan the peasant promises Gorbachev that he will free Russia of its three greatest problems - alcoholism, the shortage of housing and church-going - in three days.

He managed to do all this. You ask how??? First, by allowing vodka to be freely bought and sold - alcoholics drank themselves to death.

Second, by opening the borders - those who remained had no problem finding a place to live.

And finally by putting a sign up on churches which said "HONOUR THE CENTRAL COMMITEE OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY OF THE SOVIET UNION" - and the people avoided churches

A great pianist was driving down a road when he saw a bar with a sign saying "MUSICIAN WANTED". Being the hotshot he was, he walked in and offered to fill the void. So, the bartender told him to give a demo. So, the pianist went over to the piano and began to play.
The song was phenomenal, and the bartender was very impressed. The bartender promptly asked, "What was the name of that song?" The pianist smiled and said "What the hell is that on my dick?" The bartender was taken aback but told the pianist to play another song. This song was even better than the last, and the bartender was Very impressed.
Slightly reluctant he asked, "Was that song's name?" The pianist said, "Them Tits is Fucking Huge!" The bartender was perplexed, but sighed and said, " You can play at my bar but you can't announce the name of your songs." One night the pianist is playing at a bar and he decides to spice it up a bit with performances more...

KGB colonel Petrofiev calls srg. Iliushin into his office. "At your service, comrade colonel."
"Comrade Iliushin, go tell Ivan this is his last chance. Unless he tells us where the treasure is, I will kill his wife and his daughter, burn his fingers, pop out his eyes, cut his ears, smash his balls and when I get tired ot tormenting him I will give his heart to my dog."
Srg. Iliushin rushes to the dark cell where Ivan lays on the floor already beaten to death.
"Dear Ivan, I did everything I could but I'm affraid they are very determined and this is the last offer they are going to make. Either you tell them the place you keep the gold and they will set you free or they will kill your family, burn your fingers, pop out your eyes, smash your balls and when they get tired they'll make your heart dog-food."
Ivan half death, scared out of his pants and fearing for his family, whispers with a painful grin he keeps the gold under his tent.
The more...